An Ode to Fanfiction
by Pookie2
Summary: A youngster's frustration of writing trends.


Hello, this story is a testament to my displeasure in current FF8 fan fiction trends. I would like to make it clear that I am not homophobic. However, I do not care for characters completely breaking character and destroying all the background the game made for them. Now, I'm not unreasonable, I too have the hots for Squall. I also understand that your tastes might not call for what the story and character development calls for. By all means pair people however you like, just call it alternate universe.  
  
Thank you.   
  
  
  
Be warned: this story includes adult situations, mild swearing and slight violence.   
  
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Ode to Fanfiction  
  
The soft noise of birds chirping greeted Squall Leonhart as his eyes opened. Sitting up, he looked out the window to see the sun starting to rise. He watched it a moment, dark blue hues turned to pinks and purples, then into an almost violent orange. He stood, and started his morning routine. As he brushed his teeth, he went over in his mind what he had to do today.  
  
*Discuss mission with Cid, try to get Cid to call off his Commander title, spit*  
  
He accomplished his last goal first, then dressed and headed to the elevator. Cid had called for the mission briefing oddly early in the day. He usually reserved garden business for the afternoon. Squall pressed the button for the third floor, deciding he was glad he had been called in so early, as there was no one around.   
  
Since the garden's controls were discovered to be in the Headmaster's office, Cid had moved his things into Xu's office, which led to a domino effect of lower ranking office taking. Squall stepped out into the lobby, or as it was referred to now as Red Hamilton's office. Red, the acting leader of the discipline committee was actually the faculty member in charge of Student Affairs. Hamilton's current position made him a villain to students and SeeD. The resentment was obvious in his current state.  
  
  
  
Squall had also noticed that the man didn't care for him, all the same, Squall didn't care for him much either and usually ignored him. The Commander of SeeD strode past Hamilton, who glared at him as he tried to find his paper work, now hidden in the boxes of things taken from his desk and moved to the tiny room.  
  
Cid's secretary, whose new lobby consisted of a chair and a small table in front of Xu's former office, told Squall he was allowed to see the Headmaster. Squall entered as Cid looked up from a few papers.  
  
"Good morning, Commander, have a seat," Cid took off his glasses and cleaned them with a section of his vest, an action Squall had seen Edea scold him for in the past. The SeeD sat in front of the desk as Cid put his glasses back on.   
  
"We're finally going to honor our contract with Miss Heartilly," he picked up a paper and handed it to Squall, who read it over. It seemed to be news articles and a few transmissions between military personnel. They all mentioned a lack of Galbadian troops in Timber.  
  
Cid spoke as Squall kept reading, "Next week is the next SeeD exam. It will concern liberating Timber from the remaining soldier's stationed there." Cid handed Squall another paper, this one listing names in groups. "The original contracted SeeDs will be the support for the candidates." Squall noticed Seifer and Irvine were among the listed candidates.  
  
Squall handed back the papers, and Cid put them in a file. "Next Monday we will go over the finer details. Until then don't mention the exam to anyone, that'll be all." Squall nodded and stood, leaving the room.  
  
*Rinoa's going to be happy* Squall mused, walking past Hamilton, who was mumbling curses and looking at a crumpled stack of papers. The SeeD then bit back a curse remembering he didn't mention stepping down as Commander. He sighed, pressing the button on the elevator, wagering he'd never leave his unwanted position.  
  
The elevator opened, and Squall headed for the training center, a low growl of his stomach warned him against it, and he continued past to the cafeteria. He got some food and sat alone. Few people were there. Classes were in session and most SeeD members ate either very early or very late. He started to eat as he saw Quistis and Selphie walk in the room. They saw him and walked over. Squall's brow furrowed at the sight of them, Quistis face was paler than normal, and Selphie looked actually depressed. They sat and said nothing, worrying Squall further. Finally, Selphie spoke up.  
  
"I caught Quistis trying to kill herself…again," at this, Squall dropped his fork and looked at his former instructor. She merely looked at him, offering no explanation. Squall tried to think of something to say, but as he was about to speak, Selphie's eyes lit up and she stood.  
  
"I know what will help!!" she said, jumping up and down, "We should have sex!" Quistis seemed to consider the idea and then nodded.  
  
"Okay!" They both took off in a gallop out of the cafeteria, leaving a shocked Squall behind. Squall got up, leaving the remains of his food, and as calmly as he could, went to the training center. He needed to tell someone about this, but not until he killed something.  
  
As he walked in, he found Zell fighting a Grat. Squall hung back, allowing Zell to finish it off. The martial artist then turned and saw Squall.  
  
"Hey!" Zell smiled and walked towards his Commander. Squall's confusion with Selphie and Quistis must have stilled showed on his face, for Zell looked concerned, "What's wrong?"  
  
"Um…nothing," Squall said, not too sure Zell was the best one to explain this to yet. Zell didn't seem to buy it, but he let it drop. He looked at Squall and shuffled his feet.  
  
"Squall…I have something I need to tell you," he puts his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground. Squall said nothing, but waited for him to talk. "I love you…and I want you."  
  
With that, Squall walked out of the training center. On his way out, he bumped into Irvine, who had been hanging around the entrance. Mumbling an apology, Squall continued, way too weirded out to talk to anyone, especially Irvine. However, Irvine caught up to him.  
  
"Squall…what's wrong?" the sound of Irvine's genuine concern stopped Squall. The SeeD Commander had only heard him this serious right before he freaked out in Deling city before he attempted to assassinate Edea.  
  
Squall turned, confused again, but managed a "None of your business." Irvine's concern seemed to grow at this. He stepped forward.  
  
"You can't keep holding in your emotions, you're going to hurt yourself." Squall walked off, unable to deal with the idea of a sensitive Irvine. Irvine didn't follow, but called out, "Wait! I'm sensitive and a gentle lover!" Squall walked faster.  
  
He kept going, and found Rinoa reading on a bench. He sat on it, thankful to see her. He glanced at her book. It was a children's book, and she seemed to have trouble getting through it.   
  
"Um…Rinoa?"  
  
She looked up at him and smiled broadly.  
  
"Hi Squally-poo!"   
  
"Hey."  
  
She then grabbed his hand and held it tightly. "We need to be more committed. Tell me about your fears. We're going to some expensive, high-class, yuppie place for lunch and you're buying because I get what I want all the time. What are you thinking? Where were you for the last thirty minutes? I don't like it when I don't know where you are. Please tell me how you feel." Squall stared wide-eyed at her. He opened his mouth to speak as the Garden's intercom rang that it was ten o'clock. Rinoa stood abruptly as it did, letting go of Squall's hand.  
  
"Whoops! It's time for my morning sex! Let's see…" She took out a card and looked at it. "All people with ID numbers ending in three for today!" She then looked at Squall. "I'll see you later Squally-poo! I need to go 'entertain' most of the sailor's in Balamb before nightfall too!" She then skipped off, knocking into people and giggling.  
  
"…….." Squall didn't move, stunned. He soon saw Seifer running up to him.  
  
"Squall, what the hell is going on?! Everyone's acting freaky and Rinoa just told me my ID number ends in sex today," he said, face showing the same confusion and mild fear Squall was feeling.  
  
"….I don't know," Seifer moved closer and whispered to him.  
  
"Meet me in my room in five minutes…we don't know what's up and we shouldn't talk about this in public." Squall nodded and Seifer walked off.  
  
* five minutes later *  
  
Squall knocked on Seifer's door. The reinstated cadet opened the door to allow Squall in. He rubbed his forehead and looked up.  
  
"What are we going to do?"   
  
At this, Squall frowned, "We don't even know what's going on," Seifer's expression changed, and he walked to Squall. The SeeD backed up a step, not liking the look his eyes. Seifer pushed him towards his bed, grinning evilly.  
  
"Time to make you into a man, puberty boy," Squall blinked, mouth hanging open. Just as suddenly as Seifer's new attitude came, it left and a concerned look nearly matching Irvine's came to him.  
  
"Squall, talk to me, I know you don't love Rinoa and she's eating away your soul. Admit you love me as much as I do. LOVE ME!!" Squall ran out of the room, and made a break for the Ragnarok, which was currently parked near the garden.   
  
Now thoroughly confused and starting to get frightened, Squall powered the ship's engines and took off. Not long after the fall of Ultimecia, Selphie insisted on teaching everyone to pilot the ship, in case of an emergency. Squall was now thankful for it as he sped away from Balamb.   
  
He heard a beep from the communications panel and looked as a message came on the screen.  
  
"[Transmission Code 391] Sorceress Heartilly wishes to inform you that your ID number was randomly drawn in today's "Seven Minutes In Heaven" contest. Meet her in her room at 1600 hours for freaky sex. Thank you."  
  
Squall's mouth was agape for the second time. Before he got the chance to respond, he heard a voice in his head.  
  
{Squall….}  
  
"…Hello?" the SeeD figured he had gone insane.  
  
{Squall…it is Shiva}  
  
{And Carbuncle!}  
  
{*sigh* …yes, and Carbuncle} Squall blinked. Maybe now he'd get some answers.  
  
{What the hell is going on?!}  
  
{It doesn't matter. We, the Guardian Forces, all want to have sex with you. Summon us}  
  
"…….."  
  
{Summon us….NOW!!}  
  
Squall quickly unjunctioned all his GFs. As he did, another beep came from the communications panel. He looked as the message popped up.  
  
"[Transmission code 491] The President of Esthar requests aid. The final clean up from the Lunar Cry has gone awry. Monsters are attacking the palace. Send aid."  
  
Squall, finally seeing the chance to clear his mind long enough to kill, sped for Esthar. He landed and ran for the palace, Lionheart already in hand. As he came upon it, he found two behemoths attacking the few remaining guards.   
  
Squall hadn't even reached them before he started Renzokuken, pent up rage fueling him. One Behemoth lay dead as he finished, the other roaring angrily. Squall jumped back as it swiped at him and brought his blade down on the monster's clawed paw. It bellowed again, and Squall was hit with the other arm. He flew back, but was quickly on his feet again, drinking a high-potion. It had been a long time since he had fought without a junctioned GF. It felt like he was naked. Shaking off the feeling, he attacked again, this time bringing his weapon down on the monster's head. It roared again and fell.   
  
Panting, Squall went into the palace and was quickly greeted by Laguna.  
  
"Squall, I knew you'd come!" He was smiling more than usual, making Squall nervous. "Let's go to the command room and get you caught up on the situation."  
  
"….Okay," The president of Esthar led Squall to the command center, which was oddly empty for a palace that was under attack. Laguna closed the door, and looked at Squall.  
  
"Squall…there's something you need to know…I …I want you." Squall's mouth hung open for the third time in pure horror, Laguna came closer to him.  
  
"Come to Papa." Squall barely let the words register before he shoved the man out of his way and ran into the hall. He found a four-way intersection in the halls, and turned one of the corners. There, Zell was walking towards him, arms outstretched. Squall quickly pivoted, to find Irvine on the other side of the hallway, giving him a concerned look.  
  
Squall ran back to the intersection and when forward, soon he was at another four-way path. To his left this time was Seifer, his expression kept switching from horny and evil to horny and caring. He looked right, and saw Rinoa calling numbers in front of a group of men. A few of them high-fived each other as their numbers were called. On the other side of the hall Selphie and Quistis were having sex.   
  
Starting to run forward again, Squall abruptly stopped, seeing that Laguna was coming his way. He turned and found Zell and Irvine had caught up to him. Now surrounded, heart beating wildly, he pulled out Lionheart and quickly looking all around him as he was approached from all sides. Before he could move, he felt a Blind spell hit him. Hands desperately going for eye drops, he found he had none. Hands started grabbing him from everywhere, someone ripped Lionheart from him. He struggled madly as the hands started tearing his clothes.  
  
Squall Leonhart woke up suddenly, sitting bolt upright. Rinoa Heartilly barely ducked back in time, as Squall had been napping with his head on her lap.   
  
"Squall! Are you okay?!" she said, startled. Squall looked around frantically, and the fog of sleep started to fade as his heart beat slowed. He looked at Rinoa and sighed.  
  
"….It was just a dream."   
  
Rinoa smiled, relieved. She pulled him into a hug. "Don't worry, dear, it's over." She stood up and looked back at him. "We have to get going or we'll be late anyway."   
  
Squall raises an eyebrow. "Late to what?"  
  
Rinoa smiled. "Why, late to your wedding….to Seifer, Irvine, Zell, Laguna and Carbuncle!!!!"  
  
Squall jumped to his feet. "WHAT?!"  
  
Rinoa threw her head back, laughing.  
  
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
Squall Leonhart jerked awake, sitting straight up again. As he did, he heard a yelp and a thud. He looked down, and was greeted by Rinoa's sleepy, confused eyes.  
  
"What was that about?" She climbed back into bed. Squall looked around, and sighed.  
  
"…Sorry…bad dream," he said, moving closer to her. She smiled and curled up to him.  
  
"What was it about?"   
  
"You don't want to know."  
  
"Oh." She pulled the blanket back over herself. "Well, good night."  
  
"…Good night."  
  
"I love you."   
  
At that, Squall let a smile touch his lips. "I love you too."   
  
Rinoa closed her eyes, smiling.  
  
The End  
  
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Hello again, this is the end of my story. Before the story, you were given my calm, respectful and intelligent thoughts, no you will witness the RAGE:  
  
HOW DARE you screw up one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever been witness too. Just because Squall and Seifer have a rivalry doesn't mean they want in each other's pants!! Ever hear of sibling rivalry?! But I supposed that doesn't really matter seeing as some of you seem to think that if Seifer isn't already in his pants, Laguna wants in. Forgetting about the emotional scars received by the incest stories, I'd say the most confusing pairings are Zell and Irvine with Squall, I can't even fathom how that would happen.   
  
And what the hell is everyone's problem with Rinoa?! Can people not see beyond one layer of a person?! Squall freaking acted like an ass for most of the game, you don't think he is one; why would you think Rinoa's an idiot if she calls people "meany" ?   
  
…why the hell would Laguna do that to him?! ARGH!!!  
  
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Oh, and thanks again to my editor. He's my personal Squall...AND HE ISN'T GETTING BANGED BY EVERY MAN HE KNOWS!!!  
  
...sorry 


End file.
